A Collection of PJs

Have been planning to compile a small collection of PJs which I have created over the past few years - been a while now, but here are a few. More to come

Situation: The RIL Office in Sewri is the Fly Capital of the World… (I mean the Insect variety, not Pilots)

Complication: Employees often spend most of their time swatting away the flies and manage to spend very little time actually working…

Conversation in the morning:

Client: "My God, there are so many flies here... All we do through the day is to swat them away"

Ranga: “That’s what we said we'd deliver at the beginning of the project right? We now actually have a SWAT team!

For more info on SWAT teams, please refer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SWAT_team !

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Why do misers simply adore cans and cans of Tropicana?

Coz they are Can-juices (kanjooeses)

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Lower Parel, Mumbai>

Hari: Ranga, why don't you get a vodka for me?

Anip Sharma (simultaneously): Hey Ranga, I am planning to go on vacation to Europe... you know any good places to go to?

Nithin Chandra (also simultaneously): I need some fresh air man... it is so stifling inside...

Ranga: Ba(ha)r-se-lo-na !

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During the Heights of the currency crisis (pre liberalization) in 1991, India was forced to pledge its gold reserves to Bank of England to maintain solvency. The country was literally on its knees and days away from bankruptcy! The celluloid potential of an event so momentous could not but be noticed. Yash Chopra ji has decided to 'cash in' on the opportunity and wants to make SRK play the role of Narasimha Rao in a movie about the crisis. Qn. is... what will the name of the movie be?

Ans: Cheque De India...

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Once upon a time in China, (not so long ago) there was this really talented painter... like many of the impressionist masters, he was widely acknowledged for his use of colors. However, the market for color paintings in China was not too lucrative. He decided to move to India, where the market for such colored artistry was booming at that point of time... and true to expectations, his work was a huge success here. What was the name of the painter? And what was the painting style he used?

Ans: Rango-Lee

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How do you describe the following situation?

One of India's brightest lawyers fell in love with a colleague of his. He takes her to Paris, that most romantic of cities. There, they go to the Eiffel Tower. On the restaurant atop the tower, just as the sun is setting, the lawyer proposes to her….

Ans: High Court

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Which Bank has the Most Unfriendly customer service at its branches?

Ans: I see Icy Eye (ICICI)

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Which hill station is a Boxer's favorite retreat?

Ans: Punch Gunny (Panchgani)

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Dr.Salim Ali, when he was young, had built a reputation of being quite the flirt. But he grew out of it, later to become one of the greatest ornithologists in the country. Many moons later, he decided he had had enough of ornithology and decided to make a profession out of his second great love… Aeroplanes… he became a pilot. Soon after retiring from aviation, he decided to write an autobiography narrating his life story from the cradle to almost-at-the-grave…what would it be called?

Ans: Birds I-view

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Traffic Sign board en route to Vashi

GO
SLOW
WORK IN
PROGRESS

Yours truly felt it was lacking in proper punctuation. Modified suitably, it reads as:

GO.

SLOW
WORK IN
PROGRESS

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Here's one interesting incident from office… protagonists being Sonali Agarwal and Rangarajan Vijayaraghavan

Sonali Agarwal: "Ranga, where's the slide?"

Ranga: "[slid across the marbled floor] There you go…"

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What do you call a dark, talented, male Bengali singer?

Ans: Tan Sen...

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How do you describe a really hot Indian woman?

Ans: Sizzling Brownie

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Why is it that the normal, average human being is so selfish and nasty?

Ans: Coz statistically, the average human being = a mean human being

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A geeky statistician Mr.Ranjit Singh Quartile falls in love with numbers so much that he spends all his time in the statistics section of the library. And, as fate would have it, there was this attractive female statistician (!) who shared the same passion for numbers… it was a case of love at first sight for the guy... Time passed and the couple kept running into each other more and more frequently at the library. One fine day, RSQuartile could no more bear to keep his love under wraps and he launched into a fervent declaration of love towards his star attraction… what song did he sing?

Ans: Pyaar humein kis 'mode' pe le aaya…

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Why did the second guy in a row of three laugh at another guy who was third in a row of five?

Ans: coz he was a co-median…

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What do you call a website that helps you make fun of yourself?

www.takemytrip.com

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ATK Colleague 1, ATK colleague 2 and Rangarajan having a conversation about the Marathon. Reference was made to how we ran in the hot sun, wearing a shirt supporting the United Way NGO cause…from which a rather intuitive connection was drawn… as follows

Ah… how much more trigonometrical can we get? We run for a cause(cos), wear a sign(sin) and get (tan)ned…umm… wait a (sec) ….caught(cot) the point?

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Next to the Nestle Milk Chocolate Factory in Switzerland is an animal farm.

There were some prize bulls in the farm which bristled with discontent at the treatment they were getting from their human masters. In true Orwellian style, they launched a stinging attack on the inhabitants and the contents of the factory next door. What was the outcome of the revolt?

Ans: Chocolate Moos (Mousse)

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There is this particular collection of clothes doing the rounds in various fashion capitals of the world which mysteriously gave the models wearing them some highly embarrassing moments in public, by malfunctioning at ....umm... inappropriate times - Question is: what is the collection called?

Ans: The Fall collection

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Why would it be a very bad idea to give loans to HUL retirees?

Ans: They are already lever-aged

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What would Napoleon the Great be called if he were a glutton?

Ans: Napoleon Bon-Apetit

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Which cell phone brand would Johnny Depp endorse in the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean'?

'Sea-men's' (Siemens)

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Q. What did the Inventory controller say to the Head of Procurement to explain to him the benefits of pooling?

A. 'Prevention is better than pro-cure'!

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What term do you use to describe a frustrated birdwatcher (and I don't mean the winged variety :D)?

Ans: Horny-thologist

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The character 'Donkey' in the film Shrek is chosen as the mascot of a popular internet shopping site. The name of the site was changed in its honor… what were the original and revised names?

Ans: www.ebay.com became www.ebray.com

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Why is a car without a stepney the longest lasting variety?

Ans: Coz it is tire-less

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What would be an assassination consultant's favourite movie?

Ans: Kill, Bill

( Bill as in billing the client)

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Which is the world's most lecherous website?

Ans: www.go-ogle.com

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What is the favourite music of Comp-Sci Engineers

Ans: Algo-rhythms

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Why did Princess Anne and her husband Philip feel happy about conducting a Photograph throwing competition ?

Ans: because it was Phil-Anne-throw-pic ...

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It was the peak of the resume submitting season and PGP1s are scrambling over themselves in order to apply to all the Day Zero companies.... some consulting and Fin companies ask for covering letters to be attached to the resumes...

One such hypothetical case stares a consultant in the face: Mr.xyz has always wanted to do banking since he was in the cradle and has dedicated his life to the singleminded pursuit of investment banking as a career ... [damn...copy-paste gone horribly wrong!]

How would you describe such a resume?

Ans: Ctrl+(C-V)

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The West Bengal State Government decides to formulate a policy to promote three industries in the state. The Industries are: 1) Information Technology, 2) Golfing and 3) Tea .. what would the policy be called?

Ans: The West Bengal IT, I-Tee and High Tea Policy

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Imaginary Situation: House Maid is found stealing money from the house and is caught red-handed by my mother.... she is chased rather publicly to the ends of the city for her transgression... and in the end collapses out of exhaustion after covering pretty much the whole of the city... This became highly celebrated and the public decides to take out an annual event in its commemoration... what city am I talking about and what is the event?

Mum-Bai Marathon...

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Misbah Ul Haq was caught sledging in the ongoing Indo Pak cricket match and the match Referee Ranjan Madugalle booked him for an offence under the ICC Code of Conduct... what did he term the offence?

Ans: Misbah-aviour….

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King Arthur, the leader of the Knights of the Round Table was obsessed with fighting evil and expected his twelve chivalrous knights to share the same obsession. He made them go through drill after monotonous drill to train them for fights - real and imaginary... "Up thy noble steed Sir Lance-a-lot, chaaaaarge...., let ye ugly dragon feel thy might…attaaaaaaackkk....Well Done Sir Lance-a-lot! You may now Alight and take a bow.." and so on... Doing so many up-down routines on a daily basis can decidedly be a wearing business and the noble knights were pained in more ways than one... they decided to name their physical affliction after their Leader. What was this affliction called?

Ans: Arthur-itis (Arthritis)

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The market for re-treaded tires is a dangerous one (highly fragmented and low margins)… and yet an entrepreneur decided to seek angel investor funding to set up a small scale retreading plant in India … the investor, naturally, declined the offer and our entrepreneur decided to go it alone… How would you describe the situation?

Ans: Fools rush in where Angels fear to "Tread"

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A.T.Kearney, despite having some profitable clients in the Middle East, took quite some time to set up a Dubai Office… why?

Ans: They thought Dubai's No Great Sheikhs (No great shakes)

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There was this Arab who went prospecting for oil in the vast deserts of the Middle East and , not unexpectedly, he found huge reserves just waiting to be tapped. He immediately had an oil well built in the area, but did not start pumping out the crude from the well immediately… soon after this event, there was a huge earthquake in the immediate surroundings of the well… Why?

Ans: Coz, Mother Nature read the situation as: "Sheikh Well Before Use"

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When does one musician fall in love with another musician?

Ans: When they strike a chord

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What does one musician say when he meets another musician at a meet?

Ans: Let’s exchange ‘notes’

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(C) All Rights reserved - No part of this work may be reproduced in any form by anyone without the written consent of the author :-)

A Classic PJ

This is not mine, though I wish it were.... (one of the best PJs I have heard in a long time)

The cows in the Animal Farm have been reading about bear runs and bull runs in the stock market for a while now. First its one, then the other. After a while, they got really frustrated...Why the hell can't we have a cow run!!
So, they started a new stock exchange, the Cow Jones Index, and proclaimed, "There shall only be cow runs in this one, bulls and bears take a hike."

But having grown so fond of the hedge surrounding the animal farm, they became quite interested in hedging their risks as well. Thus began the Cow Jones Futures Index (CJFI). Now, what did these chaps trade in the CJFI?




Ans: Dairyvatives, of course

Of course, yours truly made a dairivative PJ of this masterpiece, and came up with the following:

If investors got wary of investing in the Cow Jones Index directly and decided to give their money to someone else to manage, what would they be investing in?



Ans: Moo-tual Funds

PS: I am in the process of collating some of my PJs and putting them up for display on the blog... so people who remember some of my earlier ones, please send me a mail/dbab/comment, anything!

An in-flight experience

PS: This article below is meant purely for fun and not intended to hurt the sensibilities of anyone. Apologies :)

Once, I had to go to Jamnagar and, expectedly, the only airline to serve that destination was an Indian Airlines Flight (looking at the number of people on that flight, I could not but think that there was a huge market opportunity - but then, that is another story).

I boarded the flight and was greeted by a stentorian "Welcome aboard, sir" - except that it had as much warmth as a graveyard. I was confronted by an imposing woman, some ten feet in height and a width to match. Every cell in my body froze. I had the irresistible urge to cower into a corner; my past seemed to come rushing back to me and I felt like a little schoolboy again.

I hurried to my seat and fastened my seatbelts, finding an odd comfort in doing so - she would have to take the trouble of unbuckling me first before she could throw me out of the window/door you see...

Time passed and they safely locked the doors (phew!) and the plane taxied to the runway. In the meantime, the airhostesses started serving 'preliminary' refreshments, namely fresh lime juice. However, the juice wasn't as fresh as I had wanted it to be. So I asked for a change.

To borrow a Wodehousian phrase, ice formed on the stewardess's upper slopes. She said, "Let me check, sir". The "welcome aboard" sounded quite cheery in comparison... this felt like I was in an Arctic graveyeard with a Polar Bear breathing down my neck. I was significantly alarmed at having fastened my seat belts. I could have at least dived under the seats for protection otherwise. There I was, helpless, immobile and unarmed, with Jezebel herself in front of me. Damn you, Ranga! Foresight! Foresight!

Anyway, there must have been a hint of mercy in her (somewhere deep down I think), and she finally condescended to give me a fresh cup of juice. The experience left me deeply reflective and weirdly relieved. I thought for a while and suddenly it struck me... the airhostesses on Indian Airline flights could not even help being cold; it was part and parcel of their existence. It was pre-ordained when they named their employer.

... All Indian Airlines Flights are called IC(y) flights...

One of the best PJs I have heard in recent time

I saw this on the electronic Notice Boards of the IIM-A campus and could not resist posting it here.

How do you call Rowan Atkinson when he is sleeping?

Ans: Soya Bean :)

PJs for the day...

One of the best ways of keeping up my contribution to this blog will be to keep peppering it with the numerous "witticisms" I conjure up/come across on a daily basis. So here goes...

Jai Bajrang Bali!

The actress/model Yana Gupta fell in love with a rich industrialist and then got married to him - on one condition… that he transfers all the money to her on his death. How would you describe the situation?

Ans: Czech-mate


Which hill station in Maharashtra is a Boxer's favourite retreat?

Ans: Punch Gunny (Panchgani)

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