A Collection of PJs

Have been planning to compile a small collection of PJs which I have created over the past few years - been a while now, but here are a few. More to come

Situation: The RIL Office in Sewri is the Fly Capital of the World… (I mean the Insect variety, not Pilots)

Complication: Employees often spend most of their time swatting away the flies and manage to spend very little time actually working…

Conversation in the morning:

Client: "My God, there are so many flies here... All we do through the day is to swat them away"

Ranga: “That’s what we said we'd deliver at the beginning of the project right? We now actually have a SWAT team!

For more info on SWAT teams, please refer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SWAT_team !

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Why do misers simply adore cans and cans of Tropicana?

Coz they are Can-juices (kanjooeses)

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Lower Parel, Mumbai>

Hari: Ranga, why don't you get a vodka for me?

Anip Sharma (simultaneously): Hey Ranga, I am planning to go on vacation to Europe... you know any good places to go to?

Nithin Chandra (also simultaneously): I need some fresh air man... it is so stifling inside...

Ranga: Ba(ha)r-se-lo-na !

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During the Heights of the currency crisis (pre liberalization) in 1991, India was forced to pledge its gold reserves to Bank of England to maintain solvency. The country was literally on its knees and days away from bankruptcy! The celluloid potential of an event so momentous could not but be noticed. Yash Chopra ji has decided to 'cash in' on the opportunity and wants to make SRK play the role of Narasimha Rao in a movie about the crisis. Qn. is... what will the name of the movie be?

Ans: Cheque De India...

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Once upon a time in China, (not so long ago) there was this really talented painter... like many of the impressionist masters, he was widely acknowledged for his use of colors. However, the market for color paintings in China was not too lucrative. He decided to move to India, where the market for such colored artistry was booming at that point of time... and true to expectations, his work was a huge success here. What was the name of the painter? And what was the painting style he used?

Ans: Rango-Lee

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How do you describe the following situation?

One of India's brightest lawyers fell in love with a colleague of his. He takes her to Paris, that most romantic of cities. There, they go to the Eiffel Tower. On the restaurant atop the tower, just as the sun is setting, the lawyer proposes to her….

Ans: High Court

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Which Bank has the Most Unfriendly customer service at its branches?

Ans: I see Icy Eye (ICICI)

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Which hill station is a Boxer's favorite retreat?

Ans: Punch Gunny (Panchgani)

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Dr.Salim Ali, when he was young, had built a reputation of being quite the flirt. But he grew out of it, later to become one of the greatest ornithologists in the country. Many moons later, he decided he had had enough of ornithology and decided to make a profession out of his second great love… Aeroplanes… he became a pilot. Soon after retiring from aviation, he decided to write an autobiography narrating his life story from the cradle to almost-at-the-grave…what would it be called?

Ans: Birds I-view

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Traffic Sign board en route to Vashi

GO
SLOW
WORK IN
PROGRESS

Yours truly felt it was lacking in proper punctuation. Modified suitably, it reads as:

GO.

SLOW
WORK IN
PROGRESS

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Here's one interesting incident from office… protagonists being Sonali Agarwal and Rangarajan Vijayaraghavan

Sonali Agarwal: "Ranga, where's the slide?"

Ranga: "[slid across the marbled floor] There you go…"

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What do you call a dark, talented, male Bengali singer?

Ans: Tan Sen...

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How do you describe a really hot Indian woman?

Ans: Sizzling Brownie

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Why is it that the normal, average human being is so selfish and nasty?

Ans: Coz statistically, the average human being = a mean human being

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A geeky statistician Mr.Ranjit Singh Quartile falls in love with numbers so much that he spends all his time in the statistics section of the library. And, as fate would have it, there was this attractive female statistician (!) who shared the same passion for numbers… it was a case of love at first sight for the guy... Time passed and the couple kept running into each other more and more frequently at the library. One fine day, RSQuartile could no more bear to keep his love under wraps and he launched into a fervent declaration of love towards his star attraction… what song did he sing?

Ans: Pyaar humein kis 'mode' pe le aaya…

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Why did the second guy in a row of three laugh at another guy who was third in a row of five?

Ans: coz he was a co-median…

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What do you call a website that helps you make fun of yourself?

www.takemytrip.com

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ATK Colleague 1, ATK colleague 2 and Rangarajan having a conversation about the Marathon. Reference was made to how we ran in the hot sun, wearing a shirt supporting the United Way NGO cause…from which a rather intuitive connection was drawn… as follows

Ah… how much more trigonometrical can we get? We run for a cause(cos), wear a sign(sin) and get (tan)ned…umm… wait a (sec) ….caught(cot) the point?

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Next to the Nestle Milk Chocolate Factory in Switzerland is an animal farm.

There were some prize bulls in the farm which bristled with discontent at the treatment they were getting from their human masters. In true Orwellian style, they launched a stinging attack on the inhabitants and the contents of the factory next door. What was the outcome of the revolt?

Ans: Chocolate Moos (Mousse)

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There is this particular collection of clothes doing the rounds in various fashion capitals of the world which mysteriously gave the models wearing them some highly embarrassing moments in public, by malfunctioning at ....umm... inappropriate times - Question is: what is the collection called?

Ans: The Fall collection

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Why would it be a very bad idea to give loans to HUL retirees?

Ans: They are already lever-aged

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What would Napoleon the Great be called if he were a glutton?

Ans: Napoleon Bon-Apetit

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Which cell phone brand would Johnny Depp endorse in the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean'?

'Sea-men's' (Siemens)

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Q. What did the Inventory controller say to the Head of Procurement to explain to him the benefits of pooling?

A. 'Prevention is better than pro-cure'!

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What term do you use to describe a frustrated birdwatcher (and I don't mean the winged variety :D)?

Ans: Horny-thologist

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The character 'Donkey' in the film Shrek is chosen as the mascot of a popular internet shopping site. The name of the site was changed in its honor… what were the original and revised names?

Ans: www.ebay.com became www.ebray.com

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Why is a car without a stepney the longest lasting variety?

Ans: Coz it is tire-less

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What would be an assassination consultant's favourite movie?

Ans: Kill, Bill

( Bill as in billing the client)

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Which is the world's most lecherous website?

Ans: www.go-ogle.com

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What is the favourite music of Comp-Sci Engineers

Ans: Algo-rhythms

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Why did Princess Anne and her husband Philip feel happy about conducting a Photograph throwing competition ?

Ans: because it was Phil-Anne-throw-pic ...

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It was the peak of the resume submitting season and PGP1s are scrambling over themselves in order to apply to all the Day Zero companies.... some consulting and Fin companies ask for covering letters to be attached to the resumes...

One such hypothetical case stares a consultant in the face: Mr.xyz has always wanted to do banking since he was in the cradle and has dedicated his life to the singleminded pursuit of investment banking as a career ... [damn...copy-paste gone horribly wrong!]

How would you describe such a resume?

Ans: Ctrl+(C-V)

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The West Bengal State Government decides to formulate a policy to promote three industries in the state. The Industries are: 1) Information Technology, 2) Golfing and 3) Tea .. what would the policy be called?

Ans: The West Bengal IT, I-Tee and High Tea Policy

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Imaginary Situation: House Maid is found stealing money from the house and is caught red-handed by my mother.... she is chased rather publicly to the ends of the city for her transgression... and in the end collapses out of exhaustion after covering pretty much the whole of the city... This became highly celebrated and the public decides to take out an annual event in its commemoration... what city am I talking about and what is the event?

Mum-Bai Marathon...

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Misbah Ul Haq was caught sledging in the ongoing Indo Pak cricket match and the match Referee Ranjan Madugalle booked him for an offence under the ICC Code of Conduct... what did he term the offence?

Ans: Misbah-aviour….

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King Arthur, the leader of the Knights of the Round Table was obsessed with fighting evil and expected his twelve chivalrous knights to share the same obsession. He made them go through drill after monotonous drill to train them for fights - real and imaginary... "Up thy noble steed Sir Lance-a-lot, chaaaaarge...., let ye ugly dragon feel thy might…attaaaaaaackkk....Well Done Sir Lance-a-lot! You may now Alight and take a bow.." and so on... Doing so many up-down routines on a daily basis can decidedly be a wearing business and the noble knights were pained in more ways than one... they decided to name their physical affliction after their Leader. What was this affliction called?

Ans: Arthur-itis (Arthritis)

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The market for re-treaded tires is a dangerous one (highly fragmented and low margins)… and yet an entrepreneur decided to seek angel investor funding to set up a small scale retreading plant in India … the investor, naturally, declined the offer and our entrepreneur decided to go it alone… How would you describe the situation?

Ans: Fools rush in where Angels fear to "Tread"

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A.T.Kearney, despite having some profitable clients in the Middle East, took quite some time to set up a Dubai Office… why?

Ans: They thought Dubai's No Great Sheikhs (No great shakes)

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There was this Arab who went prospecting for oil in the vast deserts of the Middle East and , not unexpectedly, he found huge reserves just waiting to be tapped. He immediately had an oil well built in the area, but did not start pumping out the crude from the well immediately… soon after this event, there was a huge earthquake in the immediate surroundings of the well… Why?

Ans: Coz, Mother Nature read the situation as: "Sheikh Well Before Use"

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When does one musician fall in love with another musician?

Ans: When they strike a chord

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What does one musician say when he meets another musician at a meet?

Ans: Let’s exchange ‘notes’

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A Consultant's life - Part V

Just discovered how to paste HTML code onto blogs directly. Thought I would start off by putting one of my favourite pictures from the recent Gangtok trip


Without HTML pasting, putting up pictures on the blog is one hell of a pain. Every time I want to insert a picture, it goes and sits right at the top of the article! Is there any way around this predicament?

A Consultant's Life - Part IV (Incomplete)

This thread of posts must take the record of being the longest set of chronicles I have written under the same title. Is it that two years of working has taken its toll on my imaginative capabilities? Hope not!

In terms of content, this is a follow-up of the 1st part of the series with the above title: Some things don't change and some things do...

Of the things that do change, especially on the personal front, the most prominent and significant is the change in marital status - tons of my friends, batchmates etc. who were leading single, unattached lives have decided to take the plunge and step over to the grhasta side of life.

The latest bachelor to bite the dust among my friends' circle is Avishek Addy (the PJ king of my batch) - he is getting engaged this May. Guess he hid his PJs well during the time his would-be made the choice :D. A months back, couple of my best friends, Poza and Bhars, also got married. Is it something about the stage of one life? A little introspection leads me to a very consultanty answer...

I figured that people by and large go through a 2x2 matrix of life [my non-consultant friends call this the point of no return, the point where I form 'frameworks' for the heck of it :)] - I call it the JOL framework (nothing bengali about this, though!). In a nutshell, the journey of many people's lives follows a 'Z' pattern through the following matrix

The JOL (Journey of Life) Matrix

Most people start their lives by being single and happy about it and somewhere down the line, that happiness vanishes and a desire to be with a member of the other sex takes over- neatly described by the following masterpiece


JOL-ly Roger Calvin here is in the bottom left quadrant of the matrix and Hobbes is in the top left quadrant. From the "Girls/Boys! Ewwwwww... yuck! I hate girls/boys" phase to the Hobbes phase of "Whom do we smooch?", it is one turbulent journey!

Another natural question which cropped up was: where do you fit "Relationships" in the picture? To that the answer is: Substitute "Marriage" with "Relationships" in the matrix and you get the answer in a more generic way

(Incomplete)

A Consultant's life - Part III

Yes, Consultants do have 'lives' ;-), especially when they get time off to refresh themselves with some well earned leave! Yours truly went on a trip to Darjeeling and Gangtok recently - Paradise found!

I shall be uploading a more detailed travel write-up shortly, but in the meanwhile, the interested reader can check out some photos here.

PS: The not so interested reader can stifle his/her yawns :-)